He called me as I slipped on heels to go out tonight and said I need to go to the e.r..
Apparenty I might need a blood transfusion because I’m bleed out from somewhere.
I calmed him down, made an appointment with a surgeon tomorrow morning to get a camera stuffed down my mouth.
Tonight is Mexican martini Monday… And if I was dying… It can wait one more damn day.
Nobody believed me until now. If I hadn’t gone the same thing would have happened. The pain, the bloating, everything.. I did something bad to myself. Oops.
Nobody can bring me to tears the way you do. It only takes one line, a word, a tense… It feels so pathetic to be at my knees so easily.
If you know me, it takes a pretty good punch to get to me but it’s fascinating how fragile I am around one person. A piece of crystal in a hardware store. Bound to get shattered.
I hit the bottom and I am feeling the wave of remorse physically everyday. However each day in-between every body part malfunction I keep going up, I keep going forward.
I am unsure of what forward really leads to but I understand it’s better than here.
My nightmares are more sought after these days than dreams because dreams hurt my heart.
A vivid reminder of what isn’t real and what I wish truly was.
Out of sleep depravation I felt you next to me… I refused to open my eyes to believe the truth.
I secretly tried to hide the truth from my imagination.
It was my own hallucination that I refused to wake from.
"If you can wait till I get home
Then I swear come tomorrow
This will all be in our past
Well it might be for the best”
one of my classes starts at 8am tues/thur and I just keep thinking how I use to take a few classes at 7am when I was just starting college. It wasn’t easy but i did it, and I got up even earlier to go get coffee before I went to class.
Once I complete these two classes I can apply to nursing school, which makes me a little on the nervous side but it seems like I am finally approaching my goal. I am scared of rejection and considering putting in applications to programs outside of Austin; Houston and Dallas have several while Austin only has 2 you can get your full degree in.
The more I think about my future the more I remember my passion to go into the peace corps after college to help others. Travel somewhere I have never been before, alone. This was my dream before love took over my life and that seemed to turn out rather well for me. By well I mean destroyed me, tore me down, left me standing alone and back to square one. It seems like it has taken an eternity for me to open my eyes to what I really need to be doing. It might have made my goals go on the back burner for longer then I had expected but at least I can say that I have loved and I have lost. It’s comforting to know I have experienced it though. That I cannot be fooled by false love or lust. I don’t, then again I never did, feel the need to find love or someone to experience the world together with. It was always a complement to a beautiful life. Le sigh.